EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
