I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
