AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
