I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
