textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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