There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
