the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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