This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
