I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
