My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
