the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
