woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
