It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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