I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
We need a shit load of segways right now
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
