me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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