I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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