girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
