Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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