Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
