i permit you to call me
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
