hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize