Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Duck Duck Cougar?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
