this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
