so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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