Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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