Got a toothbrush?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
