I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
