i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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