No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
