ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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