it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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