Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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