There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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