I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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