I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
