matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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