can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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