I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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