i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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