do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
