nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I need a beard to bite.