Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.