Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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