he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
