Rock
Scissors
Fuck
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize