oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
