All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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