Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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