i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Randomize
