i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
