Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
